Monday 23 April 2012

Bicycle Attire Part II - Shorts and Jerseys

And so I continue on the theme of bicycle clothing, to the topic of The Jersey. Jersey is how one describes the garment a cyclist wears on the upper part of his or her body. They tend to be constructed of fabric with a lycra component, so are stretchy and tight-fitting. Clearly this is beneficial against wind resistance.

Cycling jerseys commonly feature lines that delineate the arms from the torso - run a google image search on 'cycling jersey' if you require an illustration of this. Such lines tend to amplify the gut, so this aesthetic component is mystifying with regard to the large number of paunchy men who don this apparel for their Sunday morning cycle.

Another characteristic of the cycling jersey is branding, mostly bike manufacturers and companies that sponsor cycling events. I found an old jersey on Ebay that features the ludicrous combination of 7-Eleven convenience stores and Hoonved, which is an Italian washing machine company. I think it is pretty cool.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster

So what do these jerseys offer the cyclist? They don't flap in the wind, and they're made of synthetic mix fabrics which tend to cope well with sweat, and dry quickly. They drop low at the rear, so you don't get chilly in the lumbar when leaning forward into your handlebars. But perhaps most wonderfully they have deep pockets at the back, because having stuff in your trouser pockets when cycling is perilous (stuff falls out) and uncomfortable (it can rub with the motion of your legs). Here I am about to leave the house with a bottle of whisky and an issue of the Kick Ass 2 comic book, ready for fucking action:


Shorts
These are the most ridiculous aspect of the cyclist's wardrobe, diverging furthest from everyday clothing, but they are also the most specialised, and goddamit they are comfy. These things are called bib knicks. I refer to them as Obelix pants. Most of what is negative about them is summarised in this image:

woah bodyform, bodyform for you

They look stupid as hell. One's genitals are conspicuous beneath a thin layer of stretchy fabric. Furthermore, going to the toilet is a challenge. However, the garment doesn't ride down due to those shoulder straps, and they have rubbery hems on the legs so they don't ride up either. They have a padded thing in the crotch that is known as a chamois that, frankly, there is no going back from - comfort, thy name is chamois. You don't wear underwear with these things, so you need to wash them every couple of days. And you must never, ever wear them to the pub, because you look like a fucking twat.

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